Today has not been better, today has been significantly worse. I did not sleep last night, not because of anyone in particular, but because of myself, and when I did sleep this afternoon it was for a few hours and I’ve woken up highly panic stricken. I could not finish my meal. At least my kitten is here sleeping and being a lazy ass instead of consoling me. I’m going to get a puppy just to spite her.
Hours and hours and hours of this again tonight, I see. And people wonder why I have to drop so many classes. Well, half the time I’m In la-la land, not knowing what the fuck is going on, and the other half I couldn’t focus to save my life. I have one class left, people, one online class as of today: failure is imminent.
Whenever I ask my brain for compromise, it never seems to want to give me an answer.
It gives me shudders to keep thinking about the black outs I’ve had. It gives me shudders to wonder what portion of my brain controlled my body during that period. I never thought about that.
I’m sure someone reading this has had a blackout rage or you’re driving and suddenly you’re in your driveway and you don’t know how you got there.
That’s what it’s like, but worse. The largest black out, the one in high school, is the one I can remember the best because I remember everything being black. There was silence. It was like someone spun me in my seat and turned me around to the back of my head where I could see nothing, hear nothing, but recognize I still existed in some form. I remember consciousness coming back, and everyone screaming and me being blocks away from when I remember. Someone was shaking my arm too, I think, or gripping me, probably so I didn’t walk in the street again.
It was like someone was trying to kill me. That’s what It felt like, because when I realized what I’d done, I panicked . . . inside, I panicked. Because I was pretty close to death at that moment. It was an intersection with four lanes going across and two lanes across the way, one to go left and the other to go right. We were waiting to walk across the four lanes. I crossed the moment the light turned green for those cars in the four lanes. I know that because the last thing I remember is the light turning green, and then everything went black.
It’s odd to me that when I try to put together memories, it’s like they’re floating around in a soup, slowly sinking from my grasp. I can barely remember last week. Were you to ask me about yesterday, it would take a lot of concentration to remember.
I thought this was how everyone operated. And now you’re telling me it’s not? Well fuck me.
It’s like at the end of every day, someone is in my brain smashing my experiences to pieces, and sending the shards in all different directions, so I have to go hunting for them if I want to think about something. I thought everyone had a little demon elf in them shattering their memories. You dont????
I’m not panicking anymore, so that’s nice. Now I’m getting this eerie sensation 1) I’m being watched through my window and 2) I’m being possessed. I’m going to hold my ground and assume this drifting of my mind is the reason why I’m not panicking anymore. I can’t panic over something I don’t have the capability to think of at the moment.
Thanks brain, you’ve saved the day again.